Reading this article today got me thinking and more importantly feeling. It is truly incredible and beyond any words I could write the depth and bigness of emotions I have experienced in motherhood. Like tearing down the thickest fortress walls to find the softest underbelly you could imagine, motherhood has made me feel more raw, vulnerable and exposed then I ever could imagine. I have carried inside me two humans. I have birthed these babies into the world. I have been a mama to them on the outside world for almost 3 years now. Nothing I heard, read or watched could have ever prepared me for how huge the emotions of motherhood would feel.
As I took a walk today at work to grab an iced tea on this sunny day, not unlike I had done so many times this past summer while pregnant with my second baby, I was overcome by a sense of sadness and nostalgia for the warm summer days of pregnancy that so quickly flew by. I feel like I hardly even had the chance to catch my breath during that pregnancy to fully comprehend its gravity and what it would mean for my life. Time marches forward, one way or another, whether we are prepared for it or not. And I can see my life, like a movie sometimes, stuck in fast forward. I am guilty of wishing stages of my children’s life away, because it feels uncomfortable or too hard. Wishing and longing for their maturity to come more quickly. And then when I have a moment to pause, I grieve about all the moments that have already passed that I maybe treated frivolously.
This is where my yoga practice comes into play. As I feel humbled, exhausted, grateful and full of love by this journey of motherhood, I am thankful that the practice of yoga allows me the room to hold the paradoxes of motherhood, as difficult as it may be, all at once. I’m not even sure why I try to describe the experience of motherhood, though I’m not alone in this effort, when it is such a lived and intangible process. Life will continue to be full of mystery, especially in my experience of being my mama. And yet if stop trying to grasp so hard or contain it, I realize I am able to feel and experience the beauty, suffering, daily disasters and unconditional love all at once. I am reminded of a mantra I learned during my teacher training called So Hum, translated it means, “I am that I am”. That’s it. It’s so simple. And as I accept that this is where I am at, full of the biggest feelings I have ever known, yet connected and open to what exists at this moment, I don’t feel so overwhelmed. Yes, I know will probably feel overwhelmed again in about five minutes when my 3 year old pushes the grocery bag with 36 eggs in it off the counter or life just happens, but this practice of yoga has not disappeared and is still here, no matter where I go.