This. This is everything. When I look at this picture of myself gazing at my sweet, fresh, 1 day old baby, I can’t help but fight back tears. The joy, adoration and love feel tangible. Its a perfect moment. What followed was a less than perfect year. It was messy. I remember in those early days being home with both boys by myself and worrying constantly. I would worry that my older son would smoosh my baby by accident (or maybe on purpose). I worried because by the time I got my older son down for a nap and finally had a few precious moments with my babe, that I was so physically and emotionally exhausted, it took all my strength to muster a smile for him. And I worried how that was damaging our ability to bond and form a health attachment with him. I worried about how my relationship was changing with my older one and felt guilty when I scheduled for someone else to watch him so I could get some much needed alone time with my babe at mama/baby yoga or to go to a doctor’s appointment.

When I transitioned back to working, I felt guilty for being relieved to have adult conversations. I also felt jealous that our baby would be going to work one day a week with my husband and he would have more alone time with him than I had ever had. I was anxious for my older son who was transitioning into a new “school” and remember that pain of leaving him there crying in the mornings.

Life moved on. New routines became familiar ones. Some days I felt like I was treading water, some days I felt like I was swimming ahead and many days felt like I was under water–completely overwhelmed by the messiness of it all.

But something about birthdays birthing-days feels so momentous. The bigness of the emotions cause me to stop in my tracks and reflect. Inspired by some recent reading from this site, I don’t have some perfect before and after to share. I can’t say 1 year out I’ve got it all figured out now, that I don’t sometimes still feel anxious or depressed or overwhelmed. Have felt broken over this past year? Yes. Do I still keep trying to show up even when I feel like shrinking away? Most of the time.

So, no my life is not picture like the above photo. But that does not make the love any less tangible. It just makes it more real.

Happy birthday to my sweet baby boy…thank you for making me a mama once again.

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” ~Rajneesh